


Disappear

by some_nights



Series: Disappear [1]
Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Dead Amy, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Roommates, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 17:23:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6293224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_nights/pseuds/some_nights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon and Kieren are stuck somewhere between best friends and lovers.<br/>Every day, Simon battles with the demons in his soul. One day he gets an offer that might defeat them for good. But at what cost?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disappear

The first time he met the man, Simon was lost. Searching. Lonely. Empty.  
The man saw that. He saw it in the way he walked. That’s why he asked him: “Hey lad, want something special?”  
“No”, Simon said, cause that’s what you are trained to say. And because he had at least some standarts left. That was a cliff he was not yet ready to jump from.  
“You sure?”, the man asked. He was persistent.  
Simon shook his head and said: “I don’t do drugs.”  
“Not drugs”, the man answered. “Magic.”  
Simon snorted and turned around, ready to leave.  
He didn’t though. Because the next thing the man said made him stop dead in her tracks.  
“Did you ever want to disappear? Just cease to exist for a moment in time, just not be?”  
Simon didn’t turn around again, but he could feel the man’s triumphant smile, hear it in his next words: “I can give that to you. You would just not be. Never would have been. And then, when it’s over, you would, could, reappear, go on with your life as usual, but no one would have missed you.”  
“How?”, Simon asked and hated himself for it.  
“I told you”, the man said. “Magic.”  
Now Simon turned around. “There is no such thing.”  
He walked away and had never been more proud of himself.

When he came home, Kieren was already there, making dinner as usual.  
“Hey Simon! How was your day?”, he asked, as usual.  
And as usual, Simon answered: “Okay.”  
But today he added: “I was down by the old train station and some dude offered me drugs.”  
Kieren’s head peaked around the courner to the kitchen.  
“And?”, he asked.  
Simon smiled. “I said no.”  
Kieren beamed and pulled Simon into a hug. “I am so proud of you!”, he said.  
Simon burried his head in Kieren’s neck and smiled a little. He was not empty nor lonely. He felt warm and loved, as he always did in Kieren’s arms.

The encounter with the man stayed in Simon’s mind and he found himself going to the train station nearly every day to check if he was there. He never was. Simon was glad.

One day, he fell. Not literally, his body still stood upright. Did its chores. Ate. Slept. Went to work. Laughed. Talked.  
But inside, he fell into a deep hole. Deeper than ever before. Even Kieren couldn’t get him out this time. Whenever Simon closed his eyes, he heard that voice: “You would just not be...”

Simon was desperate. He wanted to stop living. Not for ever though. He didn’t want to die, not at all. There was so much to live for, even if he couldn’t remember it at the moment, he was sure there had to be. And he could never do that to Kieren. But right now he needed a break. He needed to not live. To be non-existend. He wanted to cease to exist for a second, for an hour, for days, for ever. Just not be, to escape the emptiness, the pressure and everything around him. 

And that was when Simon saw him again. Not at the train station. After the movie he’d watched to distract himself, to get lost, the man was there, next to the cinema entrance.  
“Changed your mind, lad?”, he asked.  
Simon nodded and hated himself a little more for it.  
“Well, because I have a special interest in you, I will give you the first one for free. But after that, you won’t get what you don’t pay for, understood?”  
He nodded again.  
The man smiled. It was not a nice smile. All teeth, no heart. Gloating. Triumphant. It was a smile that burned.  
He gave Simon a vial with something green in it.  
“And because I only want the best for you, I give you the power package. How long it lasts is up to you. Have fun!” With that he winked and vanished.  
Simon would have been surprised, but he was too empty to feel anything. As it was, he just thought: “Seems magic is real after all” and went home.

Of course Kieren was making dinner. Simon couldn’ help but smile at the irony.  
“How was your day?”, Kieren asked from the kitchen. Simon knew that he could tell him. Kieren would understand. He would help him. But it would break his heart, and Simon couldn’t do that.  
So he just said: “Okay.”  
Kieren’s head peaked around the courner.  
“How come I don’t believe you?”, he asked. Simon shrugged.  
“It’s getting worse again, isn’t it?”  
He nodded. There was no point in lying.  
Kieren looked at him with a worried look in those warm, brown eyes.  
“Wanna build a pillow fort and cuddle?”, he asked.  
Simon hesitated. He could do that. Forget the vial in his pocket, forget the weird man. Stick to conventional methods. Rely on Kieren to get him through this. It had worked before, it could work this time. But Kieren had other stuff to do. More important stuff. He should not waste his life by just helping Simon to stay on his feet. So Simon shook his head.  
“I’m just gonna sleep”, he mumbled.  
Kieren nodded, but still looked worried.  
‘Once I disappear, Simon thought. ‘You won’t worry anymore.’

He was in lying in his bed, wearing his most comfortable PJs. Looking at the vial in his hand. He could do it. He had a way to disappear. He just had to drink it and he would cease to exist for a moment in time. And it would cause neither him nor anyone else pain. At least that’s what the man had said. He could do it. ‘Maybe tomorrow’, he thought and went to sleep, the bottle on his night stand.

When Simon woke up, it was dark. He didn’t know what time it was. He didn’t care. He felt strange. Disconnected. Not quite there. He wanted to go back to sleep, but the emptiness was suffocoating her, making it hard to breathe. When he closed her eyes he could feel it, lying heavy on his shoulders, pressing him down. He gasped for air. His eyes fell onto his nightstand, fixed onto a little vial. Even in the dark he could see the green liquid within. It would help him. Make the heaviness go away. Make her go away.  
‘If it’s really magic, it’s not drugs, right?’, he thought, even though he could not fool himself. But he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He just wanted it all to go away. Simon jumped off the cliff and felt nothing.

It was a different kind of nothingness. He didn’t feel anything. Not even the lack of emotions. The emptiness was gone. He couldn’t see, hear or smell anything. Couldn’t move. Was free. Didn’t think, couldn’t think. Was without a care, without a thought. Was like a feather in the wind. Was no more.

When he opened his eyes, he was exhilarated. Energized. He hadn’t known anyone could feel so good! He laughed, genuine for the first time in a long while, he couldn’t even remember how long, but that didn’t matter now, what mattered now was that he was free, light and full of feeling, full of being. He was there. He was happy. He felt.

He found Kieren in the kitchen, struggeling for breath, on the floor, his face wet from tears, clasping his arms. There was blood.  
“Kieren!”, Simon said and ran to envelop him in a hug. “It’s okay. Everything is okay. You are fine. I am fine. We are here.”  
He repeated this mantra over and over as he stroked Kieren’s head. Slowly, he calmed down. It had been an eternity since the last Kieren had hurt himself. Even longer than Simon’s last genuine laugh. He was worried. What had sent compelled Kieren to do this? Kieren shoved Simon off and he gave him space. A storm of emotions ran over Kieren’s face. Gratitude, worry, sadness, happiness, so many in between. After a few seconds, they settled for fury.  
“Where the hell have you been?”, he asked, screamed.  
Simon looked at Kieren in shock. “I... Nowhere”, he said, because that was the truth.  
“What do you mean, nowhere?”, Kiaren asked.  
They were both standing now, Kieren with his hands on his hips, Simon leaning a little helplessly against the counter.  
Simon gulped. Could he explain? One look at Kieren’s face and he new he had to. He owed him at least that much.  
“Remember that day a while ago when some dude down at the old train station offered me drugs?”, he asked. When Kieren nodded, Simon carried on. “Well... I saw him again.”  
Realisation dawned on Kieren’s face.  
“No!”, Simon said. “It’s not what you think! I mean. Yes. It is what you think. But... It’s not drugs. It’s magic. It makes you disappear, you just stop to exist for a while. It’s exhilarating!”  
He couldn’t help but smile as he remembered the feeling when he woke up. Excitement crept through his bones again.  
Kieren was just standing there, basically looking through Simon. Then he asked: “Do you know what that did to me? The emptiness? The loneliness?”  
Simon’s happiness turned into icy sadness, regret. Part of him cherished the fact that he was feeling at all. But the bigger part was sorry. Because he knew, oh how he knew. It was how he felt - or didn’t feel - most of the time. And he never wanted Kieren to feel that way again.  
“But he said no one would miss me”, Simon almost whispered.  
“How could I not miss you when you are one of the most important parts of my life?”, Kieren screamed. Simon had never seen him that angry. There were tears again, this times they were furious tears streaming down his face. “My heart is filled with so much love for you. After Amy, you were there for me. When I left my family, you were there for me. When you left yours, I was there for you. We live together, when I wake up, I know you’ll be there and I can sleep better knowing you are in the room next to mine. Even if you don’t know it, you make me strong, Simon. And you thought I wouldn’t miss you if you disappeared for one whole day?”  
Now Simon was crying too. “I am sorry”, he whispered. “Kieren, I am so sorry.”  
He made a step in Kieren’s direction, but he took a step back. Away from Simon. It was like a punch in the gut.  
“Don’t touch me”, he said.  
A knife through Simon’s heart. He didnt’t move, stood there, motionless, as Kieren left the kitchen. He felt worse than he had in ages. But at least he felt.

The feelings lasted longer than their fight. Kieren couldn’t stay mad for long, after one day and a heartfelt apology he forgave him. Simon was happy, more happy than he had ever been. He cherished every feeling, even when he was sad he was happy, because sadness meant he was not dead inside. Not yet.

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: Okay, because I really don't know if I'm ever going to write that second chapter, I decided to turn this into a series. Each chapter is probably going to be a part. I am planning on continuing this, but I just started uni, so life's a little much atm. I hope I can add the next part this year.
> 
> Old Notes: So, this was the first chapter. I don't know how long this is gonna be and I don't have an update scheudle yet, but if there is any interest at all, I'll do my best to post the next chapter as soon as possible :)
> 
> (This means comment = next chapter, in case you can't read between the lines)
> 
> Criticism is very welcome since a) English is not my first language and b) I am a quite inexperienced writer ^^;


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